My Father's Daughter

When things don't go the way you hoped it would , when your heart is wanting things that you thought were meant to be, when you can't quite see His plan, when really all you can do is wait and try to get over the hurt, that's when Faith comes in. Faith means being sure of what you hope for and certain of what you do not see.   Sure and Certain. Eve n when we. just. can't. see. Faith means we have to take steps of belief without having any more proof than His promises. We have to trust if it's God's way it's the right way.  Even when it's dark.   Even when we feel alone.  Even when we're angry hurt or confused.  Sometimes it seems that His way isn't working.  Sometimes it seems that we need to step in, take over, do it our way because this is real life and scripture is nice but it doesn't always apply.  But that is wrong.  It Always Applies. 

Five minute Friday...on a Tuesday! The last FMF of the year. {Head on over to Lisa Jo's place to join in} Wonder ... Go This time of year, the Wonder of it all, the twinkling lights, everywhere all dressed up, songs and hymns playing. I wonder. I wonder at the awesome-ness of it all. I think it's too easy to  forget the magnitude of what we're celebrating.  I wonder if it's all gotten too far out of hand, (when in fact the holiday was created by a king, half mad, mandating a very pagan country to Christianity). I wonder if Jesus wants a birthday party at all. I wonder if we need to be taking a serious look at all we buy and at what we spend and maybe fill our homes less and a hungry bellies more. I wonder if celebrating Jesus is best done by walking around tense and busy and broke. I wonder what it was like on that hill when those angels appeared, when they sang out in such excitement  I wonder what those poor shepherds thou...

Five minute Friday . Quiet Go Quiet...I'm not sure most of us know quiet anymore. Is there any quiet anywhere? Every moment of our lives is filled. Filled with life and love and then when there a minute's pause, we fill any potential quiet space with noise. Status updates, tweets, emails, blog posts...it never ends. There is always something to see, something to watch, something to read. We've lost the quiet. Without the quiet we're losing a lot. We're losing the ability to not multitask. We're losing the focus and attention that should be given to one thing at a time. We're losing each other's eyes. Those long real meaningful conversations that aren't interrupted by a notification clanging from our pocket or bag. We're missing the quiet in our spirits. The place we can listen and learn and know what His voice sounds like. So much convenience and all we really have is too much. And not enough.

"If you wish to be a writer, write." ~Epictetus We had our first real writing lesson. My almost 10 year old and I sat at the computer and brainstormed and collaborated and wrote some good sounding sentences. Don't get me wrong I've been trying to teach writing since he could scrawl out a few words in one sitting. We started with copying good writing: verses of scripture, first sentences of the best children's books, poems. Then we moved on to narrations: my sons write out or just verbally tell me a summary of what I've read. sometimes I get decent summaries out of my oldest here but most times he puts all his effort into choosing the shortest possible words (in order to write the least amount he can possibly get away with. I've been trying to move on to some real writing exercises but my writing phobic son hasn't been into it. So this week my son asks if he can type his narration. I say sure. He starts and manages to type three sentences in about ...

Last week I felt like I was losing it. Losing what exactly I'm not quite sure...but it was something. Getting through five minutes in a day couldn't be this hard. It shouldn't be. But it was. It often is. It's a struggle. This life is a struggle. I yelled, cried and hollered and asked Him why He doesn't just fix me, why He lets me struggle through my day, struggle with this anger, why I can't be who I think I am, who I think I should be.  I thought He was being silent...then the peace came. His peace. His JOY. I'm grateful for how God speaks to me. I used to think I didn't know how to hear from Him. I used to think He chose to be silent. But I'm realizing I was wrong. Maybe it's just that it takes a lifetime to get to know what He sounds like...and I'm just getting a little more familiar with His voice. I keep falling and failing and wallowing in the guilt. But I'm ready for the cycle to be broken. I want to be a woman who...

Five minute Frida y:  Where a beautiful crowd spends five minutes all writing on the same topic and then share over here . Where we  just write without worrying if it’s just right or not. Welcome Go I stand with outstretched arms to welcome what's coming. I'm done with the striving and the stomping of my feet and with the tantrums I have in my head and the ones I have in real life, the ones I have as I wrestle with dissatisfaction. I welcome what is. I welcome what is right now. I welcome this place God has me (wherever that may be). I welcome the strife. I welcome the tears. I welcome the work. I welcome the growing pains. I know it WILL all work for my good. I TRUST that even if now doesn't feel good, HE is good . And since God is always good,  I will welcome whatever He has for me.  And since God is always good, I welcome His grace, His gift, His Joy in all things. All things . All things because I will not pick and choose what parts of H...

Sometimes I come across music that I just have to write about. This is one of those albums. This singer/songwriter/one-man-music-label has strung together some amazing lyrics. It's called Third World Symphony by Shaun Groves "an album celebrating the beauty, wisdom and faith of the Third World". It's also a humbling reminder of just what us Christians are saved for.   Shaun's blog bio says " Shaun Groves is a husband, father, singer and communicator connecting the first world with the third world for the benefit of both "   He heads up the Compassion International B loggers (a group of bloggers that write about the need for the first world to reach out to the third world. They write about what Compassion does to spread awareness and connect children living in poverty with sponsors). He also speaks and sings on behalf of Compassion. He'll come to your event. For free.  The first track on Third World Symphony is All Is Grace. The lyri...

Five Minute Friday. Where a beautiful crowd spends five minutes all writing on the same topic and then sharing them over at Lisa-Jo Baker.                      Want to know how Five Minute Friday got started and how to participate? All the details are   here . Grasp Go... Sometimes it seems like all I hoping for and reaching for remains just out of my grasp. Just far enough away that I can see it but I just can't seem to get hold of it. A cleaner house. A calmer self. Being a better wife, mother I'm on my tip toes trying, reaching...failing. Then sometimes I think I have it and I hold on so tight. Sometimes I hold and can't let go. Keeping my kids close. Keeping them safe. Keep it all going. The juggling. Never letting anything fall. Sometimes I'm so scared what could happen, what would happen if if loosened my grip, even just a little bit. So I hold on for dear life. But see all the reaching and hol...

I struggle some times. I struggle with keeping it together. I struggle with keeping calm when emotions run high. When I feel things are beyond my control, I tend to come apart. My perspective gets all warped. I don't see the grace, the good. My words begin to match how I feel, spiraling and frustrated. I tend to say things I truly don't mean. Harsh things. Mean things. And then the guilt sets in. That guilt grips me and I so regret it all. I'm struggling with my mouth and self control and then I read this...   1 Peter 4:10  Whoever speaks, let him speak, as it were, the utterances of God; whoever serves, let him do so as by the strength which God supplies; so that in all things God may be glorified through Jesus Christ, to whom belongs the glory and dominion forever and ever. Amen.   Let him speak the utterances of God.The utterances of God. And Whoever serves, let him do it with the strength that God supplies. Why?  So in all things God ...

Another Five Minute Friday, on a Saturday, writing for five minutes for just the beauty of it. Want to join in? Come on over here  and meet this great community. Connect Go: I'm wondering what it's like for my kids: living a connected life where the pieces fit together and don't have to separate into mom's house and dad's house and small little compartments with neat little labels lasting 47 minutes each. I'm wondering if they will ever understand how different it could be. How different it was for their big brother.  I'm wondering if it really is just now, this minute, that I'm realizing that what I missed for most of my life was having a connected life. I had school me, and home me and after leukemia turned up, I had hospital me. I had my-house me and dad's-house me, the me I shared with my friends and the me I created for the boy friends. Then there was the me I was in my own head: the me who tried to write but usually wound up laughing...

I think that it must be true with most things for most people, that walking, doing, growing along side of another gives added meaning to the journey. This summer we had big plans to explore some subjects together. Or I should say I had big plans. But we know what they say of the best laid schemes of mice and men... Instead of ticking off to-do lists and lesson plans, mostly this summer we just enjoyed the sun. My husband spent more time than was expected with us so we took advantage and hit the beach and the pool, family style. Often. It's been a fun summer, filled all up with just what summer should be: salt water, sun-kissed cheeks, playing with friends and cousins. And we still have a few weeks to go.  What we did make time to explore was learning Hebrew and reading the Bible. So far we've made it through the Hebrew aleph-bet. We quiz each other with flash cards. It makes it fun. We've tackled the bible in a few different ways, but I just couldn't find something ...

Some of my Gifts~C ounting in July . Summer all full of grace and thanks. Counting 3 gifts a day with a prompt. 3 gifts loved 544. These boys as they light up when they see me walk in the door 545. this life I've been given 546. me~how God is always good and I am always loved. 3 gifts read 547. The Great Divorce 548. Psalm 103 549. this post about "those boys"~just what I needed to hear 3 gifts water 565. running water right in my kitchen 566. a hose to water our garden 567. the Living Water and because of Him I never have to thirst again 3 gifts in Jars 574. this real maple syrup 575. these marbles making me smile~my boys and their collections 576. homemade jelly, strawberry and blackberry a gift of life, growth and decline 577. this honeysuckle bush big and sweet smelling 578. these new branches all wild and everywhere 579. the old blooms starting to shrivel and fall 3 gifts curled 580. boys curled up next to me as I read to them 581. karat...

Five minute Friday (except it's Saturday) w here a beautiful crowd spends five minutes all writing on the same topic and then sharing ‘em over here . Here: Go I'm learning something. I'm learning to be present. Here. I'm learning to be all in this moment. Not distracted by what's undone or what isn't right but all here wrapped up in the glory of now. Late for work but I don't worry. I laugh and smile big as my 9 year old runs next to my car for a very long block. He's blowing a lip shaped noise mker as he runs. He's looking so silly. He's still such a boy and yet so tall and I slow the car and go at his pace and I think how I'll always remember this wild smile on him. And if I was in a rush I would have waved and kept going. But I didn't. I chose to be right here . All in. We just got back from the beach (again) and there were so many moments, moments I usually wish away so we can get on with the real living, but these mome...

These last few weeks have been hard to process. I feel overwhelmed with the realities of this world. The reality that this is a hard and sad, broken place. The shootings in Aurora, the continued genocide in Zimbabwe , the attacks on men standing firm in what they believe , the selling of people and the list can go on and on. I strongly believe with all that I am that we serve a Good and Merciful God. And yet in times like this I can doubt and question where is His goodness when we need it most. I'll never cease to be amazed at how my God answers me. It was all over everywhere. As I questioned and shook my fists and asked "why?" and " how could you let this be?", He gently answered me over and over again .  As I asked these questions with tears in my eyes, He reminded me of the book I had finished on the beach a few weeks ago. This man full of God given wisdom wrote: There is but one good; that is God. Everything else is good when it looks to Him and...

Five minute Friday where we write for 5 minutes, link up and read (encourage and compliment) the person linked before us. We write for 5 minutes without editing. Visit The Gypsy Mama and join in. Expectations.. . Go Expectations kill relationships. I can't think of one relationship that doesn't suffer because of expectations. Sure, we have to have them to some degree. We expect safety and civility. We have higher expectations of respect and love. And even higher ones of knights in armor and happy endings. But really, what would happen if we let all the expectations go? If the ones we loved didn't have to live up to some story or image we built up in our heads? What if we took each interaction on it's own merit. What if we loved the best way we knew how and stopped letting ourselves be disappointed with how things turned out, or how they didn't. Or maybe we could adjust what we expect. Maybe we expect the pain and the struggle. No one said there wasn't...

"Everyday every mother mothers thousands" When I think of amazing mothers I often think of Naomi, Ruth 's mother-in-law. Naomi must have been good at raising her sons. She must have taught them well and loved them well. Her sons both married Moabite women, since that is where her family lived. These women grew to love their mother-in-law quite well. So well in fact, that once all 3 women were widows, the daughters-in-law were ready to leave their own land and follow Naomi back to hers. One of the young widows did do just that. She followed her mother-in-law back to Bethlehem. She pledged her loyalty to Naomi  and to Naomi's God.  Knowing that Ruth was willing to leave her own culture and her own way of life to serve Naomi's God makes me think Naomi must have made her God seem appealing, more than what Ruth was surrounded by, what she had known her whole young life. It makes me wonder just how appealing I make God seem to my own children. How well do I conve...

The Compassion Bloggers just ended their time in Tanzania. As I followed along with their stories I gained an even better appreciation for what this organization does. More than it's about money to buy necessities, it's about relationships. Connecting these kids to sponsors around the world through letter writing is just as life changing for them as the $38 a month. It may even be more-so.  As Shaun says " There is value in feeding the hungry, clothing the naked, educating the illiterate, healing the sick…but the deepest poverty a child can know is hopelessness".  "Poverty whispers to every child living in poverty…   “You are worthless.”  And we say “You were worth the life of God’s one and only Son.”   “Things will never change for you.”  And we say “God is making all things new.”   “You are nothing.”  And we say “God loves you and has a plan for your life…” Becoming a sponsor is a tangible...

I'm excited. I'm excited about this community of moms and women out there who remind me I'm not crazy. Because you know, sometimes I so feel I am. I sometimes feel so crazy and defeated by trying to raise these boys to be great, God-fearing men. Sometimes I feel so awfully afraid that I'm failing and that there is no fruit to all this hard work. And sometimes I just can't understand how I can have such good intentions and so many great expectations but still fail so hard everyday. But it's not just me. It's this thing of raising boys. It's raising these loud, energetic, messy and sometimes obstinate sons. It's this trying to figure out how to help lead these soon-to-be-men into adulthood. I'm scared but I'm not the only one. There are plenty of mamas out there who feel just like me, who struggle just like me, who fail little failures everyday just like me.  One of these lovely "boy moms" wrote an  ebook to lead us crazy mam...

I read Jess's post over at Making Home . It struck a nerve. It was good though. Just what I needed to read about anger and short tempers....and maybe, just maybe my kids' bickering and discontentment is just a magnification of my own. {sigh}. I yell. Way too often. I wrote a Five Minute Friday about just that. But this week I was no better. I do have some anger issues. I have a temper that needs to settle. I thought it had gotten better over the last couple of years but I think I was ignoring  my problem instead of dealing with it. Jess quoted John Piper, saying  " Being someone different when you think no one else is looking is functional atheism.  God is always there. " So yes, I'm angry and I'm angry much too often. I'm angry about the children and their childish complaints. I get angry when things don't go the way I planned. I get angry when things don't go my way.  Even when I'm angry but I don't let it show, when I'm just gr...

It's strange how in all this busy and in all this rush and in all this crazy that one could still feel an empty space.  But so often we do.  I'll bet just about everyone of us does at one time or another. We try to fill it with all kinds of things: work, kids, hobbies, marriage. When those things don't work to fill up the void we move on. We try to just forget about it; we try to find ways to feel good as we travel on. It works for a while. We're so easily distractable. It's never enough, though. A husband won't be enough (he'll fail you, at some point, because he's human too). Kids can't fill it, at least not forever (they do get lives of their own). Work can distract but it doesn't make you whole (how often do we tell ourselves if I could just work harder or do better...). All of life's momentary pleasures can surely take your mind off the space but it usually leaves the space bigger when the pleasure ends. But eventually it sto...

Five Minute Friday  (but mine's usually on Saturday) where we write with a prompt for 5 minutes without thinking (too much) or revising. We're just writing because we love the words. Loud. Go. Loud makes me cringe lately. My loud voice scolding a child. Their loud voices trying to out do mine. I saw a parent today be "loud" to his son in a very quiet way. Oh how it stung me to watch him sting that boy with his words. Watching that loud harsh whisper, the kind we use in public when we no longer want to debate our children, when we just want them silent and obedient (when is the last time I was silent and obedient?), it just held up a mirror. Love should rarely be loud, unless it's in laughter. I'm reminded that a gentle answer turns away wrath and that they rarely hear the words if they are being wounded by the volume. So I can save loud for music, playtime and tickle fights. Stop. Visit The Gypsy Mama and join in.

I tend to forget that there is so much more to reality than what I can see. When nothing will go the way I intend and I can't seem to do anything the right way and kids seem purposefully awful and everything is just a mess, there truly is more going on than can be seen with human eyes. There are battles everyday. We know Who prevails in the end but the battle for hearts still takes a toll on the lives we lead. I've realized recently that calm waters isn't all it's cracked up to be. I'm noticing that the waves and the storms that make me cling to Him for dear life have much more use than the hypnotizing facade of floating along all unruffled. If I'm skating by under the radar and Satan has no reason to want to mess with me, then I'm doing something wrong. If I'm doing a good enough job at tearing down my own home that the father of lies doesn't need to assist, I'm in a very dangerous place. There are times when these battles will be worse tha...

It isn't that we give thanks because we are joy-filled, but we are joy-filled because we give thanks. February's Joy Dare ~capturing the grace~ sharing some of my One Thousand Gifts that I'm recording in 2012.... gifts at 11:30 2:30 and 6:30 94. landing in Miami~safe and halfway home 95. airport lunch 96. landing in Philadelphia a little earlier than expected~so glad to be home 3 things overheard today~all gifts 97. Noah: mom, what can I do to help?" 98. Steve talking to Noah about his lost gift card saying "don't be too upset. It's only money. It can be replaced". 99. Nate saying "I'll make the list" to we get ready to grocery shop 3 gifts found in writing 100. birthday cards for a dear friend 101. emails and texts welcoming me home from people who missed me 102. blog post reminding me what's most important ...... one gift stitched , one hammered, one woven 106. my oldest son's "puppy"...

I keep trying to type out my gifts but I am finding myself distracted by the comment thread over at (in)courage . Ann wrote about 5 Ways to Fight Through to a Loving Marriage . Her words (as always) ring so true and are so encouraging. The day I read the post, though, I was...struggling.  It's amazing and heartbraking to hear how some of the women over there have shared their hearts, commenting on Ann's post, and being so vulnerable I was so impressed with the thread, Ann with her replies: praying lifting speaking words that bless, and all the other women too: standing together women for women, even if it's virtual. “Are women really like ambulances? When we are most in need of tender care, we’re these screaming sirens? And that’s why men pull far away — getting out of the way and off the road?”  I read those words through tears and still they didn't keep me from being that siren only hours later, making my man get out of my way. But it is like she said, w...

Five minute Friday and it's a tough one...Trust. Here we write for five minutes, with a prompt. No editing or rethinking. Just writing without worrying. So, TRUST It almost feels like it should be a four letter word. How hard it can be to trust, to believe, to step out in faith towards something without really knowing or seeing, without having all the answers ahead of time, without knowing what will happen. It takes someone very brave to trust what your eyes can't see (sometimes even what they do see). But we do ask this of our children, don't we? We tell them "Do what I ask even though you don't understand, even though you can't see what I see. I love you. Trust me." So when He tells me the same how then do I say "no". This is what He means when he tells us to be like children if we want to enter His kingdom.   So, Trust. I'll {try to} be brave I'll keeping making that choice, that sometimes hurts so much to trust my God,...

The rest of January ~all the joys~the gift hunt.... 3 ways I saw happiness today 46. giggling boys at breakfast 47. dancing and singing in the kitchen 48. sitting down next to the youngest as he excitedly plays the piano one gift that made me laugh~one that made me pray~one that made me quiet 49. watching silly tv with my husband 50. complaints from kids about schoolwork~reminding me to pray for patience 51. snuggling with each boy at night as I tuck them in and listen ti their stories 3 gifts from God's word 52.  Psalm 100:3 ~KNOW that the Lord is GOD... 53.  1 Corinthians 15:10 ~...by Grace alone... 54.  Colossians 1 ~...He rescues...Holds....and gives HOPE a grace in the kitchen, a grace in the weather, a grace that might have never been 55. our blackboard wall 56. this mild winter 57. to know love this way 3 gifts I only saw close up 58. the frustration behind the tantrum when I looked into those big brown eyes 59. these children in this hospi...

So we're almost halfway through the month and I've joined in Ann's Joy Dare : naming one thousand gifts in 2012. Three graces a day for a whole year. It's been, well, a joy. She gave prompts for each day in January. I've been smiling, laughing and loving this counting. My boys and I count in our red journals, their's all leather and tough, mine all pretty with cherry blossoms on each page. So here they are: more of the counting that never ends... 3 things about me I'm grateful for 1. My imperfect love of God and his reckless love for me 2. How I love to learn (although I'd rather never be in a classroom again) 3. how I love words and His Word a gift inside, a gift outside, a gift on a plate 4. bare trees outlined by blue 5. our pretty Christmas~tree all dressed up 6. perfect pumpkin pie under tall white whipped cream 3 lines overheard that were graces 7. "Mom, but I just love you" (my Nate) 8. "I can do everything better ...

Five minute Friday , writing for five minutes with a prompt. No revisions, editing or worrying if it's right. Today's: awake Go... Awake all night. I am every weekend. I work and take care of sick kids all night every weekend. I'm a nurse. I tend to be awake all night other nights too. Chalk that up to my body being confused....and my mind being full. Awake to now. I try to be. Awake. I want to be fully aware of all that is around me. It can be difficult though. How often I find myself NOT in the moment, thinking, dreaming, planning, being 2 steps ahead and then I miss right here. Awake to see. Who is it that is right there in front of me? Do I see that beautiful creature, one made in His image. Am I awake enough to see the need behind the grimace or the pain behind the attitude, awake enough to not just react but to act with purpose, even when I'm busy; with love, even when I'm hurt; and with kindness and when it's undeserved? Awake to possibilitie...