My Father's Daughter

I have had it mostly together for the last 12 years or so. I met my husband while I was in high school (he was not as he's 9 years older than I am). I got my act together, by God's grace, graduated high school, went directly to nursing school, graduated, had the same pediatric nursing job for 10 years, homeschool my 2 boys, love my family and put God first in all we do......then I turned 30. My husband and I celebrated our 10 year anniversary. I'm not sure what has happened to my mind in the last several months. I am trying to be ok with the fact I will never have another child. I am trying to fill the empty spaces. I am trying to depend on God. I am trying to pray and talk to my husband. I want to scream. I want to run. I want to feel. What is going on? Who am I? I don't recognize myself.

"And we are instructed to turn from godless living and sinful pleasures. We should live in this evil world with wisdom, righteousness and devotion to God," Titus 2:12 NLT Godless living and sinful pleasures---how is it that this describes so much of my life lately? I don't know how to turn around. I need God to change these desires in my heart. I'm not sure what else to even say except that I need to pray and I need others to pray for me.

This article is both comforting and eye opening. I am committed to creating this family centered life in my home. Click the link below... At the Well...In Pursuit of Titus 2: Why Modern Motherhood is So Much Harder than it Ought to Be

This list has been rolling around in my head for some time now. I feel the need to put it in print so it is here to reference when I need encouragement and focus. 1. I get to have my kids with me! 2. My children will understand by Whom they were made and for Whose purpose they were created. 3. I am the one who has the privilege of filling their minds with all the wonder of God's creation. 4. My boys can be free to play, jump, run, "shoot", build, dream pretty much as they see fit. 5. There is no concern for crowd control. 6. Field trips are with me, not with huge numbers of marginally supervised 8 year olds . 7. There are no school buses or other small crowded areas of unsupervised chaos. 8. I choose what they eat. They eat when they are hungry, not when the bell rings. 9. Public bathrooms--my kids just use ours and I clean it. 10. We choose not to allow our kids to be tiny cogs in a crazy machine built to make the rich richer and the existence and sovereignty of God a fa

I never got to elaborate on my last post and Sherry's great insights from The Well. There is a special peace that floods one's heart when one follows God's will. When I think about my children and spending all my time with them, filling my days with serving them, educating them, loving them, training them...I am so filled with calm and peace. It is such an amazing feeling that I can compare to no other. Sometimes I stop myself when I am reveling in this peace because I never want to be complacent or proud or judgemental of others who live different lives but it has just dawned on me...this is the Peace that Passes all Understanding. When I am not anxious but content living out His Will for my life He gives me His Peace. Keeping my children close to me, involving them in all aspects of my life, making them a priority--their thoughts, needs, hopes and dreams, loving them right where they are, living this life is such a parallel to how Jesus lived. This is who Jesus is to us.

I want to discuss what Sherry shared at The Well today, but my kids need me right now...so that's where I'll be....

The feeling of inadequacy is such a universal feeling. How many of us feel like we don't measure up? How many of us walk around carrying guilt over bad choices, momentary lapses of judgement, or our quick tempers? I am mostly speaking of myself. It was only recently that I heard God speak to my heart that I'm not alone in these feelings. Women have actually shared how they admire me as a mom (me, of all people!!!). One women said she feels "inadequate" around me. This mom doesn't home school and when I talk about what my kids and I do together she feels like she is failing as a mom. This is strange for me to type because I'm the one that never feels good enough... So I began to think: the pretty girls in high school --did they ever feel not good enough? The popular boys--were they self conscious ? My parents had their short comings, sure, but to think they doubted themselves...could it be?? My husband, my boss, my pastor, those great homeschooling moms of m