My Father's Daughter

For you Eden....sorry to be so quiet.  The words have such trouble coming when I'm feeling this way. It's hard to even describe. I  feel...stuck...and I can't write. That's a problem because putting words on paper is a big part of how I cope. Usually when I have a problem it's the writing, the process of  working through my issue with words, that helps. The writing untangles messes and sets priorities where they should be. But now, it's already been untangled it's been talked through with no resolution. Priorities are not matching up. There's nothing more to work out, except this overwhelming feeling  that it's wrong. I'm stuck.  My heart hurts. I want something I can't have.  This sadness lurks behind every smile and taints the memories I'm making. So this is why I haven't written. I don't ever want to whine or be a complainer or sound ungrateful for what I've been given. So I'm taking  Solomon's  advice and stilli...

The thanks I offered up as the summer came to a close and as this homeschooling mama got very busy.... 541. watching the school bus drive by without my kids on it 542. the promise of new beginnings, of fresh starts 543. tickle attacks and the boy giggles that go with them 544. The Black Stallion and how my 8 year old is now in love with horses 545. my kitchen, all freshly painted 546. the new bookshelf my husband put together 547. good friends to help and be helped by 548. Granny Apples 549. Monkey in the Middle 550. chocolate chip cookies 551. whipped cream 552. raisin bread with cinnamon swirls 553. chocolate covered cranberries  554. gooey, warm cinnamon buns on our first day of getting back to lessons 555. my oldest asking to know more about atoms while my youngest begs too just be allowed to play :) 556. learning new things right along with my boys 557. cool fall breezes even though it's still technically summer 558. 4 days ...

Five Minute Friday (posted, again, on Saturday), where we write for 5 minutes with a prompt and no editing. No worries about if it's right. Just letting the words come. Stop over and see Gypsy Mama and write along with us. Go No matter what the prompt was I knew I was going to write about  how I wish I could do this week over. I do. It's all in my head, all I can think about. Ordinary-- how many ordinary treasures did I miss this week? I missed face to face, smiling, laughing, building-up-souls time because I was too preoccupied with checking off schoolwork to do lists and making sure kids got all the math done and complaining about their complaining. I missed just being together. I've been missing the ordinary walks and playground visits, the bike rides and Lego playing... And even more excruciating than what I missed? It's what I inflicted. I was fed up with ordinary bad attitudes and ordinary bad behavior so I threw my bad atti...

I'm feeling so wrong. This week wasn't very good. This week I wasn't very good. I fell so short of who I set out to be. I reacted instead of loved. I yelled instead of corrected. I didn't build up these little souls trusted to my care. My youngest son said today "I'm the worst kid". That was my fault. I made him feel that way. My words and actions made my son feel not good enough. That moment did it for me though. I sat with him on the couch and told how sorry I was that my words made him feel that way, how much he means to me, and how Jesus helps us be more than just good enough. Those words spoken by my sweet six year old, that brought the word wretch to mind. How much grace does it take to keep me right where I am this minute? How much grace have I offered these little boys? We got "back to school" with a bang this year. Our first year of reporting and I was gonna get it right: schedules, lesson plans, staying on track. But something i...