I opened my little prayer journal today.
I opened to the last thing I wrote and it said: Tuesday, 2-19-17. That's it.
I paused and thought and realized aside from meal and bedtime prayers with kids, had I even really prayed in almost 3 weeks?
Not only I had I neglected my journal (which I had vowed to get out EVERYDAY since my mind needs me to hold a pen in order to focus for more than 10 seconds), I had also neglected my prayer time. It's as if I forgot YET AGAIN how hard a day is to navigate alone. I went on, on cruise control, until I lost every bit of momentum I had and life punched me in the stomach and I started falling backwards--- AGAIN.
When will I learn that I need to eat DAILY? When will I learn that real time spent with the Creator of the Universe is the Water I need and His Words are the BREAD. Without either of those we DIE.
This whole realization came after an ugly performance and tears and self pity, maybe for good reason, but probably not. Life is hard sometimes. Emotions can be my worst enemy. This time I'm not even sure where all the emotions came from. It could be that I've been grieving the loss of childhood in my house. Missing having small people who need my lap and my arms. And yesterday my youngest turned 12. Sometimes it feels like he and my 14 year old son come from another planet...and then sometimes it feel like they are me.
Somehow all it took to get from grief to feeling needed again and having purpose was opening my journal and remembering how I NEED and I HAVE PURPOSE. It took remembering my pain that was so real for me. I looked at my empty page from that Tuesday and I prayed a quick prayer asking forgiveness that my attention so easily gets diverted on trivial things and I ask my Father to remind me WHO I AM in HIM.
And then...I suppose He answered because all the words came and I filled my journal.
It was as if HE reminded me where my boys are and how desperately they needed someone who understands. My middle-school years were horrid. At least to me. Hormones, fears, struggles, everyday feeling so hard. It is where childhood fades. It's sad and amazing and really sad. Innocence, even when it's well protected begins to disappear. Both these tall kids are on the edge of adulthood and I remember being these ages so well. I NEVER felt good enough or cute enough or smart enough. I hurt a lot. I hated so much about life but mostly I hated my own skin and I didn't even know why. It's hormones, being bathed in chemicals that help shape us into adults and not being aware or having the experience to know that even though this metamorphosis hurts, it will get easier and things do level out. But more than hormones...it's awareness... Awareness of the pain and brokenness that exists. They learn that the world is crazy and scary out there at a time when they feel a bit crazy and scary on the inside.
So I sat filling the pages of my journal with prayers for grace to be one who is steady in their life. If they have to do this growing up thing, if they have to figure this out, I pray for grace and strength to be someone they can lean on through it. But more than that I pray for the grace and strength to remember to point them to the One they can ALWAYS lean on. But first... I have to remember to lean in.
I opened to the last thing I wrote and it said: Tuesday, 2-19-17. That's it.
I paused and thought and realized aside from meal and bedtime prayers with kids, had I even really prayed in almost 3 weeks?
Not only I had I neglected my journal (which I had vowed to get out EVERYDAY since my mind needs me to hold a pen in order to focus for more than 10 seconds), I had also neglected my prayer time. It's as if I forgot YET AGAIN how hard a day is to navigate alone. I went on, on cruise control, until I lost every bit of momentum I had and life punched me in the stomach and I started falling backwards--- AGAIN.
When will I learn that I need to eat DAILY? When will I learn that real time spent with the Creator of the Universe is the Water I need and His Words are the BREAD. Without either of those we DIE.
This whole realization came after an ugly performance and tears and self pity, maybe for good reason, but probably not. Life is hard sometimes. Emotions can be my worst enemy. This time I'm not even sure where all the emotions came from. It could be that I've been grieving the loss of childhood in my house. Missing having small people who need my lap and my arms. And yesterday my youngest turned 12. Sometimes it feels like he and my 14 year old son come from another planet...and then sometimes it feel like they are me.
Somehow all it took to get from grief to feeling needed again and having purpose was opening my journal and remembering how I NEED and I HAVE PURPOSE. It took remembering my pain that was so real for me. I looked at my empty page from that Tuesday and I prayed a quick prayer asking forgiveness that my attention so easily gets diverted on trivial things and I ask my Father to remind me WHO I AM in HIM.
And then...I suppose He answered because all the words came and I filled my journal.
It was as if HE reminded me where my boys are and how desperately they needed someone who understands. My middle-school years were horrid. At least to me. Hormones, fears, struggles, everyday feeling so hard. It is where childhood fades. It's sad and amazing and really sad. Innocence, even when it's well protected begins to disappear. Both these tall kids are on the edge of adulthood and I remember being these ages so well. I NEVER felt good enough or cute enough or smart enough. I hurt a lot. I hated so much about life but mostly I hated my own skin and I didn't even know why. It's hormones, being bathed in chemicals that help shape us into adults and not being aware or having the experience to know that even though this metamorphosis hurts, it will get easier and things do level out. But more than hormones...it's awareness... Awareness of the pain and brokenness that exists. They learn that the world is crazy and scary out there at a time when they feel a bit crazy and scary on the inside.
So I sat filling the pages of my journal with prayers for grace to be one who is steady in their life. If they have to do this growing up thing, if they have to figure this out, I pray for grace and strength to be someone they can lean on through it. But more than that I pray for the grace and strength to remember to point them to the One they can ALWAYS lean on. But first... I have to remember to lean in.
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