My Father's Daughter

...and I'm so loving all this counting. 101. bare trees outlined in white 102. me: "Nate, what are you doing up so early?" Nate: "Loving you". 103. boys jumping on rocks and splashing in creeks 104. friend's safe travel 105. my 8 year old phonetically spelling. i LOVE it. 106. pain relief and fever reducers 107. soaking rains 108. lights that turn on with a flip of a switch 109. all of us at dinner, talking laughing and eating 110. friends that care 111. sitting at the counter writing out gifts with my sons 112. GRACE

It's all around us. The pain. The hurt. The heartache. As I moved forward counting my gifts this question continues to come up from my closest friend, in the midst of my moms' bible study, from deep inside me...If God is so good how can this suffering be allowed? It's age old question, probably asked by Adam and Eve, but really first uttered by the Serpent in the garden. The great deceiver has whispered this question in humanity's ear since the beginning of time. "Does God really love you?" "Is He really looking out for you?" "Go, see for yourself how great it is to live with out Him". We listened. We continue to listen. Time and time again we listen, we wonder, we go and try to see for ourselves. But we can't see beyond the hurt, not if we're looking and searching with our own perspective. We spoke of perspective, the four of us, homeschooling mamas that have become such good friends, at our brand new little book club. We were dis...

76. the tallest and the smallest boy wrestling, chasing, hugging and laughing 77. letters written to cousins by the boys who miss them 78. house full, everyone home together 79. strawberries and whipped cream 80. smiles that sneak into my bedroom too early for morning snuggles 81. hugs~all sizes 82. blueberries that pop open in hot pancakes 83. nights with friends, to get closer, to encourage 84. fun for my family at NJ uncle's house while I get to sleep soundly 85. another warm winter day 86. the big orange moon low on the horizon 87. seeing His face in the faces of sick and broken children 88. sleeping twitches of my five year old still sleep in his bed when I get home from work 89. Noah's big grin as I peek around the door to say good morning 90. sharing books, words and hugs before my daytime sleep 91, waking up with Eucharisteo on my mind 92. homemade soup with lots of help from little (and not so little) hands 93. clinking spoons in ice cream bowls 94. yet another beautif...

So here are the next 25. Ann is right. This is addictive. 51. sun spilling in the kitchen window 52. delicious dinner that I didn't cook 53. kids of all ages, playing together, taking care of one another 54. small cards, made especially for friends, delivered with giddy excitement 55. forgiving love from my family even after my ugly behavior 56. other homeschooling mamas to laugh to laugh, cry and face this adventure with 57. fudgey brownies with pecans 58. steamy showers that sooth and refresh 59. boys returning home with wet boots and big appetites 60. Orange light outside my bedroom window 61. loud "Happy Valentine's Day" calls from a bouncing 5 year old before 7am 62. small gifts that bring big smiles 63. X's and O's and the real hugs and kisses that go with them 64. Woody, Buzz and Jessie and my boys' names scrawled on the bottom of their boots 65. sticking out tongues as little boys try so hard to concentrate 66. love, unwavering 67. trees that giv...

...and almost always required for growth. I'm gonna think on that for a while and just focus on breathing.

Hearts on homemade cards, yes-no-maybe check boxes, sticky kisses, heart shaped candy, pretty roses slowly unfolding. This day with it's manufactured focus on the sweet. I still love it. It's just one more way to find moments to smile about.

I'm keeping a list, a list of gifts. Not ones to give but ones I have already received. At first I wanted to keep it just on paper. I love the act of writing. The pen. The pretty journal. But as I wrote down number 50 I thought 'I want this list to also live where the rest of my thoughts come to be clarified. I want this list nestled in between my ramblings, dotting my life with what's really important'. So here it is the beginnings of my One Thousand Gifts. The concept is not new but it's life changing powers are endless. (Thank you, Ann, for your book , for your inspiration, for the reminder of where my heart needs to be.) 1. my Father's unending love 2. the gift of my husband 3. time each day with my boys 4. warm tea with honey 5. pizza and smilies and fun for dinner 6. the amazing, adventurous boy stuff my sons get to share with their father 7. family who take care of one another 8. Having my kids home with me 9. a cozy house where Hi...

So...there is a lot of conflicting thought each trying to take hold. I'm having a hard time knowing which train of thought to follow, where to set my feet. I need to write and process and come out on the other side of this post knowing, understanding, purposed. That's a lofty goal, I know. We'll see. I'm afraid to write this because it puts it out there--my complaint, my quarrel with God, my argument that I know what I should have (and that's it's better than what he has given). It is also raw and fearful. It is the one regret I fear I will have in life. And it's something I have no control over changing ....but I'll say it anyway. I'm back in that place of wanting more children. I am finding myself sick with sadness that I feel like I'm missing children. I all of sudden well up with tears when I think of my youngest moving on to college (or where ever he chooses for his steps into independence) in 13 years or so. I am stuck. I want something th...