My Father's Daughter

I have been poking around on a few other blogs. Large Family Mothering being one of them. I am so sad. My husband had a vasectomy 2 1/2 years ago. We had a huge fight the morning before he went. He went anyway. At the time I was exhausted with my second baby but I was not ready to be "done". I cried last week. I feel like I am missing a child (or 2). I asked God to just intervene. My heart hurts. I love and respect my husband but I feel like this is wrong and I am so sad.... I will give this hurt to my Father. You know the reason my heart is open. You know my thoughts before I think them. I know You know the plans You have for me....

This is a subject I keep encountering: why we have certain emotions. Anger I am learning is there to identify a problem, and give enough energy (adrenaline) to fix the problem. Guilt exists to reveal a spirit issue. Fear exists to keep us cautious. The real problem only begins when our emotions rule our actions. My husband and I had a good talk the other day (about anger and it's purpose). It came after a big clash between husband and 14 y/o stepson. It was an eruption of an ongoing issue about how said stepson acts like leaving our house is an escape from prison. My husband had had enough of the ungratefulness so he reacted. There was yelling and tears. The clash came only hours after my journal prayer time where I focused on my stepson and husband's relationship. Of course during the big blow up I sarcastically thanked God for his "help" in this area. But I am now humbled and repentant for my lack of faith. It is so clear now how God used this "encounter"...

I think the title of this entry if from a Max Lucado book. It gets me through a lot of circummstances. Faith, human faith that is, is so messy. I am so thankful for this gift of faith that my Father has given me. I just wish I was better at using it. I always second guess myself. It must be one of my great flaws. It goes really well with the layers of guilt I find my self drowning in at times....Was I too harsh because I yelled at the misbehaving kids?...Am I inattentive because I'm cleaning instead of playing Hi HO Cherrio again?...Will I ever have it together enough to make it look like I know what I'm doing?...Then one that is special, just for stepmothers---Is this child on my nerves becuase he's not "mine" or because he's being really annoying?... Why do I second guess everything I do? This week I even allowed a non believing agnostic to sprinkle her doubting dust all over me. Why? I know God way down deep in my bones. I've known Him as long as I can ...

This is my brand new blog. Moved form another site, really. My sister-in law told me I needed to write a blog (so here it is, Steph!). I have always wanted to write. Before I wanted to be anything I wanted to be a writer, but I have forgotten that for a long time. I'm a mom, a homeschool teacher and a nurse, but not a writer. There is never enough time to take all the words that swim in my head and put them in print. So here I am...starting a blog. What do I talk about...where do I begin? I'll just see where the words take me. Homeschooling is my calling. Since we made the decision to homeschool I am now keenly aware of how my life's experiences have prepared me for this. I have such a love for learning but no patience for 'school'. I love to read. I really love to read. I treasure my kids and could never imagine handing the job of filling their minds to strangers. I have dealt with public school with my step sons enough to know it's not a place I want to send m...